JUNE 11

1939 (9th) Friday Felt awful this morning. – Later Mother + I went down-town… new dress – very “grown-up” – Met Eleanor+ Rosalind at bank… lunch down town… shopped… erased pencil lines from Mr.E’s stars + put my name on the wall, which Mr. S. supervised  - Ray + I saw “Dark Victory”

1940 11:30 I think maybe I better talk to Emil tomorrow – otherwise I’ll soon be ripe for a psychopathic ward I was just about back to normal today and then tonight I had to tell Nessa the whole thing + I’m again a mental mess! - … Early this morning I had the most perfect dream. Everything was perfect!

1941 Well, my room is all clean + so are most of my clothes. I have about a week, now, to get ready – How can I do it?) Mother + I went up + saw Bob + Mrs. Feeney

1942 Thurs D.J. + John came over to talk about picnic. So did Peggy… Decided Nothing. John + I lay out on the grass this aft. and took turns saying Hell.

1943 FRI Gee, Sometimes I can hardly hear Herman.. I feel a million miles away. I resent him, really – feel terribly hypocritical…Sometime, I’m going to get angry with him + show it. We went to dinner – saw Action in N.W. 

JUNE 10

1939 (8^th) Thurs Went on a breakfast with Dot + Marg, Nessa, Marg A., Harriet H. - + then to work till 6 o’clock – Mr. Eide didn’t show up – called tonight. He put stars on the ceiling – thank goodness – Ray came over after work about 10:00 I was glad

1940 11:15 – Clara let herself in for a lot of trouble – again. She renewed an argument with Bill… He told her off completely and blames her for breaking up our “beautiful friendship”… Evidently he doesn’t credit me with having a mind of my own… If something doesn’t break pretty soon

1941 12:00 Still on rehabilitation project! – What a mess – D.J. + Dot came over w/ Jennifer + we got popcorn + cokes – talked to D.J. – she is a sweet kid – I bored (?) her with my gorey experiences –

1942 11:30 (Gee, you were tired tonight, honey) Better, we should have stayed home! Brown, hard – I hope you wiped off that lipstick!

1943 THURS We went to the Fashion Group luncheon at the Marraybell… I felt mean because I broke my date with Herman (he had postponed ours from yesterday) Wished, sort of, I hadn’t gone. – Dinner with Dorothy.

JUNE 9

1939 (14th) 10:45 – If there are many more gloomy, cold, rainy days – Haggled around on details of store-window – I’m sick

1940 Sunday… It’s all crazy and clear out of proportion… all I think about is Leonard.. its gotten to the stage where I can’t even work anymore… Della + I talked this afternoon about men etc… I was upholding – sort of – she insisting they were all ratty… I was inclined to agree with her when Rosie informed us Leonard had been walking with Blossom.

1941 Well kid, we didn’t get to hear Russ Morgan – except over the radio – Pressed clothes, decided I would not go to Plymouth; called up Jean Park, met her for a coke, talked, decided I should go - ? ! ! – Chils, Nessa, Marie + Margeurite were over –

1942 1:00 Felt awful most of the day – not physically, either… Bob + D.J. + John + I went to the Carnival – Bob’s going to work at Morrell. Too late

1943 WED Got 4 seams sewn over at Barbara’s. But we had fun anyhow… Ate until we were stuffed She is going to be married in August.

JUNE 8

1939 (13th) 12:00 Went to a shower for Jeanne Perry tonight. – I wanted to ask Betty about her version of my “engagement” – Saw Dick Potter down-town. –

1940 – I was so tired last night that I didn’t go to sleep until early this morning. – I’ve been in a painful state of coma all day. Realizing that I should get to work – yet doing absolutely nothing about it. – Leonard + the List of “Prix” winners helped!

1941 Sun – " called + “talked” for a while this aft. – sounded swell – going to write (he better!) Gee, I wish he would come down w/ Cole + we could go to R. Morgan tomorrow! Saw Peg + Marguerite, Nessa + Mayone – (who is pregnant – too long – no click –

1942 Darling, I’m confused… I work so hard at pretending to be “myself” when I’m with you. Why do we have to act at all – You’re growing up

1943 TUES Oh God! Moving in a blackout… (lasted for an hour + a half!) – I finally gave up + took a bath… Very depressing. We have an acute closet situation.

JUNE 7

1939 Wednesday My job isn’t over yet – not by a long shot… painted all day on wall – stay and cleaned up the caricatures… Ray took me over to a show to-night… Mr. Foyd didn’t even recognize me at first (He was so used to seeing me in painty slacks)

1940 12:00 I’m “going commercial” with a vengeance. Did some lousy aluminum leaf silhouettes for Alex Rinskopf at new Java Shop… (It would have been a perfect place for some really clever little dancing gals!) Mr. R. is very swell… and the last letter said he is going to call me soon about doing some rooms… which should be fun + lucrative

1941 Sat Home, thank God! Drove + Drove thought we’d never get here – Caroline is a little devil (I don’t know about those 10 kids, Leonard)

1942 Sun I had a date, but wasn’t here when he called for the 2^nd time! D.J. + I saw Saboteur – which was one reason I was so horribly taut

1943 MON Saw Mr. + Mrs. S. off on the 20^th Century Limited. wished, violently, I were going, too… Wore my green plaid dress – felt undressed. It rains… 

JUNE 6

1939 Tuesday – We didn’t get up to go to the alumnae breakfast – But went to graduation at 10:30 – barely made it… It was so very hot… I dread next year… in a way… Marg + I celebrated and had lunch down town… Started to place “stars” on walk – Mr. Eide + I had ice cream tonight after not working.

1940 10:30 Managed to work up a little ambition – cleaned the house this afternoon – washed a slug of clothes… D.J. + some gals just came after me + we went out by Neptune. Gee, I hope I get to go out there pretty soon… Germany seems to be winning the war… I have 3 jobs tomorrow!

1941 Fri Wow what a night – rain – mud – cold – tourist cabin – babies - .

1942 Sat Oh God… I’m fed up with me… No Guts… no independence… Can’t bear the whole evening alone with myself. – Thomas Mann C’est Fin.

1943 SUN (DAMN – HURT MY BACK again…) HAD DINNER WITH SPITZNAGEL’S AT Longchamp’s! FUN. THEY WERE GOING TO ZIEGFIELD FOLLIES; I TOOK Herman TO FRED ALLEN’S BROADCAST, WHICH WAS VERY FUNNY. HAVEN’T WRITTEN TO Leonard YET, BUT TO Mother… GOT BURNED

JUNE 5

1939 Monday Felt pretty lousy this morning – Tried to sleep – but no go. – I decided to go down town this aft. – Put on my plaid shirt – felt better. Ray + I + Kenny + Marg went to the ballgame… It was fun. Marg is staying all night with me – her folks are gone

1940 Relapse – slept intermittently all day… about 4:00 went down town on dry deal for “Shopping News” (map) – should rate 10 or 15… I hope I can synchronize it – the Carpenter job okay… Then went out to collitch (subconsciously in search of Leonard) saw the cases – crazy, artsy, marvelous!

1941 Thur Sleeping with Eleanor. – I feel so sort of crushed. Don’t know why I should. but I do – Hell.

1942 Fri I get a date + then Haakenson + John come over + establish residence! I got them to call up D.J. + Peggy + we sat on the porch + then went + looked at the faces.

1943 SAT Moved most of my stuff over this afternoon. (Donna Brown is an awfully sweet kid) Won’t sleep there until tomorrow night, though. Hope this deal will work out okay… Hogan is here to see Mickey. We went to dinner + a movie – Lily Mars. The ensign was over.

JUNE 4

1939 Sunday – Grim – I should feel relieved that I’m all through – It’s been long + hard though – I’m pretty messed up – lost 5 pounds (which I’m thankful for) Ray didn’t call – I waited on the front porch – I don’t especially care

1940 WED 12:15 I don’t feel radically different after this morning – just terribly numb and depressed and sort of lost…, knowing that college – the integral 4 years of it – are over for me… Augustana has given me something fine + hard + real that I hope I have the sense to hang on to! … Nothing “happened” today – just exasperating innuendos… Mr. Spitz, etc. took me to dinner new job

1941 Wed Bill + I went to the races… It was the most fun I’ve had here… We “made” our way out of winnings. We won $8.80  on “Little Red Fox” – H’m, I’m just psychic!

1942 11:45 D.J. + I intended to go to Saboteur – went out to school – assimilated Leonard, Bill, Harold + R. H. #. Cokes at the Palace. Donna + I had hamburgers + talked afterwards. Another Art Student today… Heard from Emil and Dick. We all wrote Emil

1943 FRI 1:00 When I came in (after a Kosher dinner and Cabin in the Sky and a nauseous hour on Riverside with Herman) here was a tender white Magnolia Bud from Leonard… How can I love him so much? And a lovely letter this A.M. 

JUNE 3

1939 Saturday Our house is certainly Bedlam on Saturdays – but its fun – hair, cloth. washing, cooking, getting ready to go out, etc. – Tonight about 20 couples had a dinner-dance – I was too tired to have much fun –

1940 1:30 all the time, I keep thinking about Leonard… if he meant what he wrote… if he did, why he hasn’t done something about it… if he is too young, etc., etc. – Class day this morning… sweltering… Senior gals ate lunch down town… went to lousy banquet w. Spence

1941 11:00 RAIN! WELL, AFTER HECTIC STUFF, WE (US FAMILY) ARE FINALLY COMPARATIVELY PEACEFULL – WE SLUFFED AROUND FIELD’S THIS AFTERNOON. HAD HELLUVA TIME GETTING SETTLED FOR DINNER –

1942 Wed Oh God – FRUSTRATION – complete DISSATISFACTION WITH MYSELF… Knowing WHAT… started classes today… faculty meeting – John asked me for a date

1943 Thurs It was a warm New York day. Met Barbara Stern for Lunch. Felt sleepy for a while… better then. Spitz called; he was tired – ha. Lois just called. I think we’ll move this week-end! – Gee, hope it works!

 

JUNE 2

1939 Friday – Ray came after me. What a day – Waited for Mr. Eide to help me all morning + couldn’t work this aft, because of Electrician, etc. Tonight Mr. Eide + the fellows shot pictures while I was “working”

1940 11:00 I’m not waiting up for the 12 o’ clock plane tonight… I’m really tired – I guess its relief setting in… it was Baccalaureate this A.M…. Granskow gave a perfectly marv talk – it seems to epitomize for me what has been trying to come through for 4 yrs.

1941 10:30 CHICAGO – MOTHER + I WERE LAZY THIS MORNING LAY IN BED IN TALKED BEFORE WE WENT OUT GALAVANTING… I TOLD HER ABOUT LEONARD + SHE WAS VERY UNDERSTANDING… I ONLY WISH I’D “TALKED” TO HER BEFORE –

1942 Tues 11:30 Bob + I cleaned up the Art Room He got his reclarification – Letter from Lefty. We heard from Emil John, Bob + I went to La Purchase this aft. .. Wasted this Evening

1943 Wed 3:00 Fun la! – Astor Roof – Harry James – with Mr. Spitznagel. – called this morning – what a guy. (he always seems vaguely preoccupied though) Then we went up + sat on the R.C.A. roof + talked, felt cool + lovely… Went to Village Vanguard… Leadbelly, chanteuse, etc. We walked + walked. 

JUNE 1

1939 12:30 Thursday did Garbo + Marxes to-day. – people kept popping in; but it was quiet-er than usual – I think Mr. Spitznagel is swell.

1940 1:00 This morning I felt the same agonizing anticipation that a five year old feels about Christmas… The Books are terribly close to the way I “dreamed” them. It is one of the Biggest things that’s ever happened to me. We had our dinner at C. Shop… Spence + I saw W. Bridge. I’ll never forget Leonard.

1941 12:30 AND HERE WE ALL ARE IN CHICAGO… HAVEN’T SEEN ELEANOR – YET – STARTED ABOUT 6:00 THIS MORNING – GOT IN ABOUT 10:00 – I DROWSED AND THOUGHT ABOUT LEONARD – GEE, HE’S GOING TO COMPLICATE MY LIFE, I’M AFRAID – BUT WHO WANTS MERELY SERENITY? –

1942 Mon Registered 5 Art stoonts… Rilly don’t want to teach Summer School very long… Then What? ? ? – Bill + Leonard, Peggy came over – Then John + Bob!… We got D.J. – Some fun.

1943 Tues – Gee, I’m a wreck. Felt awful most of the day… typed like crazy on those fool radio scripts for Mrs. S. Feel very monosyllabic. Didn’t get to Donna’s Graduation, I hate subways.

 

MAY 31

1939 Wednesday 12:00 Worked all day again - Got along swell - Its going to be fun. - Came home + cleaned up - went to creative wr. for the last time + read my one-act play - Went down with Eide + transferred some cart.

1940 1:10 Well, let's hope the Eddas are on that Minneapolis truck tonight + that they'll get here tomorrow morning. I really don't know if I could take it if they didn't come tomorrow!... I am quite surprised I actually wrote my Bible term paper today!

1941 11:30 I'm really a mess... thought everything was figured out + settled - found myself thinking of Leonard + re-hashing everything that happened... I am so terrible tired + I don't even want to go to Chicago

1942 Sun God, I nauseate myself - I have utterly no resistance! John is slightly wolfy, but I could have put up a better defense! Leonard don't you ever worry about me!

1943 Mon Got up + washed my hair. (Haven't been able to sleep really LATE) Sun bathed... Got a lovely Leonard letter (Note to Postman "I love this girl") Herman brought over Louise... We went to dinner, later. I rather resent the time I had to spend on him.

MAY 30

1939 Tuesday 12:00 To-day was a killer-diller - I am certainly frazzled - Started painting - Awful, at first. - Ray said he had to work (?)

1940 1:30 Thurs (Dec. Day) Well, I didn't get to the dance as I thought I might - but Bob + Leonard + Emil + Donna + I had a picnic - a marvelous picnic. We ate too much + then all lay around the bonfire in a happy stupor. I love all those kids... (I wonder if Jean was right about Leonard. If she was he certainly manages to inhibit himself)

1941 1:30 - Leonard finally broke down tonight; but it seems it always happens too late. He is going to Brookings... Such a chaos of bliss - disillusionment - hurt - then bliss! We really talked for the very first time... about our children - love - us -

1942 Sat - 3 tired kids. Hoped Leonard might meet me, but no. We just wasted this morning. Didn't get over to Walker...

1943 Sun Stayed up on the roof all day, practically, read the Times. And Look Homeward Angel, which Haunts me! - I cut out my black + white check; want to get it done, now! Herman called. (ha! he thought I'd be lonesome!)... Apt is pretty set!

MAY 29

1939 Monday Wrote Sh. Test from 8:30 till 12:00. Practiced on Art Room Walls. - Ray + I went out to Neptune + watched high school from till 10:00 - then Mr. Eide + I got some cartoons on the walls - Also went to Picnic + to Philos

1940 Wed. I am sick with disappointment and disgust. The Eddas didn't come and I started to have a marvelous time at the reception till M.T. had to leave + go r. skating! - I did so want to do something afterward too - (Gee, I wish I could go to the dance tomorrow)

1941 12:00 - Well, its over. Seems so odd to just shut the door on one 9 months - a whole phase of my existence - I've never had a comparable amt. of time go so swiftly... Everyone was so sweet -

1942 Fri We went over to the U. - very impressive... Joe Johnson "waltz-houred" up... That was fun. - We came home, ate early + saw the Male Animal - had a glass of beer

1943 Sat I picked up a cute little Ensign down on a park bench on Riverside. (He is so young!) I was eating an apple reading Collier. I accomplished a lot of shopping this morning... Got some red Whippersnappers. I think I'll like

MAY 28

1939 Sunday Read Shakespeare all day. Wilmer + Olga had us over for dinner - Ray didn't even call me...

1940 Tues 1:30 worked this evening on a paper for Mlle. Contest that was due today... It's stupid but I think I'll finish it anyway. Fooled all day... No T. paper

1941 Well, Tom caught up with me... It was ok. I'm glad I listened to him. I guess he does have some respect for me, after all. Corrected papers. Lorraine + Alberta helped me

1942 Thurs Martini's are a little too much for me - at least after a day of shopping - Bought some flat Spectators!... We rilly dressed up for dinner -

1943 Fri We went to a New Orleansy place for dinner - which was good. Then to Dark Eyes. (At which I was only moderately amused!) I lugged around the bunch of lilac every place

MAY 27

1939 Sat - 1:25 Wrote a test this morning, drawings + cleaned house when I got home, this aft. Folks went to Okijobie for the weekend. Ray + I went to a movie "Stage Coach"

1940 Mon. - Still no term paper accomplished I don't know what to write on... Went on a "Stripper's picnic" ate too much confided in Dorothy some more... Marguerite had to talk to me about her l. life.

1941 10 Utley, you nauseate me! Seems like every time I'm tired, my resistance is low! 

1942 Wed Got up here about 4:30 - Didn't get down to dinner until about 8:30 Style show... orchestra... table of ferrying pilots at the next table

1943 Thurs I guess I don't have much of a sense of humor. At least Mickey's brand of wit doesn't amuse me. I didn't like the way she badgered Inge tonight. Gladys + Donna came over. Stayed too long.

MAY 26

1939 Fri 10:30 - Feel awful

Fooled myself last night - went to sleep instead of studying - 11 hrs. - Studied this morning + tonight w/ M. Allan + M. Vercoe 

1940 Sun I think I just snapped out of jag phase. I hope its over... Went to church with Mother... All day practically, I've been thinking about the War. I didn't think it would even affect me personally, but it has. Out w/ Jake.

1941 Oddly enough, I've enjoyed myself today - Slaved from 7:30 to 6:00 1/2 hr to get ready. Really managed to look presentable - At least the kids thought so - Tom sent me 3 huge gardinias. Yes - I wore them - 

1942 Tues Well, we're going to Minneapolis tomorrow. Can't get too thrilled about it. Suppose I should go, though. Leonard could have said g'bye to me!

1943 Wed Marie Johnson's staying with me. I'm convinced she's quite mad. Quel naivete... she wants to get a librarian job w/ Pan Am. I ate late + by myself. Didn't mind.

MAY 25

1939 Thurs 7:30 Finished big cartoons today - I'm going to start studying!

1940 Sat I went absolutely wild today + last night trying to figure the Plymouth deal out... I finally sent them a procrastinating letter. Spence took me to "L. Russell" tonight. I don't think I'll go with him anymore.

1941 Feel pretty good - trying to rationalize myself outta worrying - Doesn't quite work! - I hope everything looks okay! - Hope a little bit of FUN - 

1942 Mon Gee, my legs rilly got burned - Killed me all day... Everybody saw L. but me today. D.J. said he was irked at not finding me home last night. We lay out in b. yard. Got cokes

1943 11:30 Donna Brown is staying w/ me tonight. We ate over at Barnard. Mr. Krikorian took me to lunch this noon... He is marvelous; maybe going to London soon... O.W.I job. He says ours is no longer a "business relationship"! - Here we go again!... He walked me back down 5th Ave.

MAY 24

1939 11:15 Honor's Day Exercises in Chapel this morning. - All School Picnic Ray + Mick + Marie + I went - I came back for Creative Wr. + I didn't have to read my play again! 

1940 Fri Wrote a stupid test this morning. Studied this aft, and wrote another one... I have 2 make-up assignments + my term paper + then I can start making up Art.

1941 11:30 "And this too shall pass away" I hope! - Too bad my last few days have to be spent in such a hectic fashion. Slaved all day - I do too much. Don't make the kids work.

1942 Sun Gee, I'm pooped. Marie + I lay out in the back yard this morning. Dinner christening at Landseths... Kids came after me we looked for Lefty. - D.J. + I + Marie went to Shanghai Gesture

1943 MON HM, FEEL almost HOOMAN, FOR A CHANGE! - AFTER ALL THAT sleep LAST NIGHT, WOKE UP LATE; TODAY was HECTIC... "DOROTHY" AND I FELT IT KEENLY! - WE WENT TO A LOUSY FASHION SHOW AT THE HOTEL N. Yorker. I STAYED UNTIL THE Bitter END. HAD A Bitter MARTINI. - IRONED tonight.

MAY 23

1939 10:00 I am really tired - Did about 5 of the big cartoons today. - Tonight some of the gals went on a picnic - I didn't get home in time to go to the show with Ray, darn it - 

1940 Thurs Planned to attend my last classes in College today, and they didn't meet! - Cleaned out my two art desks + got started studying for Teaching of Eng. Exam tonight.

1941 11:30 It's a matter of living through " the rest of it now - Wish I didn't worry about this deal so much. Thank God, I've taught my last class.

1942 Sat 3:00 (Oh Darling, I've got it bad -) Mister Payne called me for lunch, but I was meeting D.J. + Marie - We went to the dance tonight... Silly fun. Saw Auggie kids all over.

1943 SUN NO chance TO RELAX - I'M IN A helluva MOOD - ME Marie FOR breakfast (SHE TALKED AN ARM OFF ME) - WASHED MY HAIR, READ THE Times ON THE ROOF; NEARLY died OF FRUSTRATION WHEN 5 buses PASSED ME OOP... LOIS + SULLY + I SAW THE APT. (Gee, I HOPE IT WORKS OUT!) (I FORGOT my money, couldn't eat with em) Couldn't get to see Ballet